I received a recent email from a reader. The writer explained that he is a 24 year-old married chasidisha male stuck in a lifestlye he does not enjoy. Did I have any advice to offer this gentleman as to where to go from here? Should he leave everything he has behind and go OTD? Maybe find a less-restrctive lifestyle than his current one?
I don't have any easy answers for this young man, nor for the many others that will likely get fed up with the Orthodox world for intellectual and practical reasons (it does suck to have insanely strict dietary laws and to have to dress like it's 1643. One doesn't need a PhD in sociology to figure that one out). While I see the advantage of quitting cold turkey, saying "no thanks" to the whole charade, I also see some advantage in staying put and roughing it out. While I certainly think change is necessary and the whole Orthodox world could use a healthy dosage of change, I wonder if it's necessary to go all the way, be brutally honest and say "religion is all a pile of shit." Yes, I think religion is all a sack of bollocks, but maybe there is some merit in allowing some of it. I'm willing to allow it some honorary spot in society, as long as it's taken with a dose of moderation and a whole lot of salt. I'm not saying religion is good, just that, when used cautiously like in Reform or Unitarian type frameworks, it's basically harmless. I'm not saying that our friend should stay religious but maybe a little, at least in practice. Am I advocating for a sort of closet atheism? Absolutely.
You're entitled to consider me a hypocrite at this point. It's not consistent, or intellectually honest of me to be an atheist yet have a soft spot for theism. Neither is it honest, or courageous, of me to be intellectually opposed to eating meat yet eating it all the same. I suppose I have my weaknesses.
Here's my experience: I was really miserable, stifled, and trapped in the frum world. I think that was for the most part because of the insane rigidity of the frum life (think hell x 1,000,000). Leaving that world was a great decision for me because it helped me break out of that cycle of misery and despair into which I had fallen so deeply as a chareidi. I saw no reason then and I see no reason now to sugarcoat my disdain for modern religion and the Modern Orthodox who see me as nothing but evidence that their system is superior to the chareidi one. Yes, your system is superior. So is Christianity and atheism FOR GOD'S SAKE!
I see no reason to kiss up to Modern Orthodoxy just because their assholes need someone to say "told-you-so" to. They can rot in hell for all eternity for all I care. However, the fact remains that I have a lot of family in the frum world--the Orthodox world, as well as in the more modern Jewish denominations. Judaism has a significant aspect of it that is cultural and not religious or supernatural in essence. Some of it I enjoy and may want to keep. Again, I want to retain some connection to my family, and some of that may include pretending to believe, or at least respecting, certain beliefs and customs.
I've made my break with the Orthodox world. I've left it for a few years and am finding my way on my own rather well. I'm in school (which is extremely important to me) and I see a future for myself with one foot in the Orthodox world and one foot out. I'm not saying I'm going back to being Orthodox, just that I will have more connection to it than I did in the past. I will spend more time with my family and make some time for friendships that have lapsed the last few years. I will go from being an outsider to an Orthoprax OTDer within the community. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it's what I feel is right for me right now.
Perhaps I would not have wanted to make this step a few years back when I was angry at the frum world for lying to me about everything under the sun and for doing everything to ensure I was so miserable. Perhaps I would not have been able. I may have needed a break for a few years to get some space and a change of perspective. Maybe only after cutting all ties with religion am I able to reconnect in any healthy way. Yet I sometimes wish I had the courage to make huge changes in my past life without completely cutting ties. Giving up most of the craziness of the frum world while still retaining some of its positive aspects. Giving up the kollel mentality (the greatest tragedy in Jewish history since the Holocaust, to my mind) and a lot of the isolationism and the stifling lifestyle while still keeping a little of the love, the kindness, the community.
So I'm going back. Not to the frum world that I left, but to the family that I love and the people that I love. Not to the things I reject, but to the things that I miss. Not to the past, but to the future.
But enough about me. This is supposed to be about our letter-writer friend, who we'll call Avi. Please share your thoughts and advice for him here.
Where Are the World’s Atheists?
3 hours ago
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I would suggest that Avi seek a professional therapist, or at least someone who can be trusted, who will keep confidence, and who is not invested either way in his decision.
ReplyDeleteIMO, Avi needs to understand honestly the sources of his unhappiness. He needs to know what his options for action really are. Most importantly, with every path open to him, he needs to understand what he will give up.
Any path he chooses will have a price. The problem of price is never what one gains but rather what one loses.
One thing I've learned is that there's no help but self-help. Your friends and family, your colleagues, different experts you consult--they all will try to help as best they can. But ultimately, the decisions are yours, the actions are your choice, the responsibility for consequences belongs to you alone.
Maybe this all sounds frightening, but it's not. It's what being an adult is about. It's empowering.
My advice is to make your choice carefully and considerately, but then make it and move on. Doing nothing is no longer an option. Do something and own it.
Best wishes and good luck.
It's probably best to not give any advice. He'll find his path sooner or later.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Larry Tanner. Finding a good therapist would be extremely helpful in sorting out all of Avi's thoughts, feelings, desires, and choices. None of the choices are all-good or all-bad and it's a genuinely tough situation with no easy answers. Therapy might help him figure out what he really wants and perhaps help him see things differently or more clearly.
ReplyDeleteAs a Yiddish speaking therapist, I worked with the casualties of chassidic life when they broke under the strain. The only sane way forward for this man is to decide whether he has the strength to leave a cult-like life and work toward thinking and living independently. If he does, there is still the issue of spouse and children and whether they are willing to leave. He'll need the support of a therapist trained in deprogramming or a group that supports those who leave. He Can live as Jewishly as he wants anywhere else, without the pressure of an oppressive community that discourages independent thinking. He doesn't have to be OTD, as this is a coercive concept his community uses. He can observes all the true mitzvos and not the craziness that his rebbe might have imposed. It's not an easy path and I wish him success in whatever he decides.
ReplyDeleteMessage for Garfield: As a Yiddish speaking therapist you're making the same mistake as any frum therapist, assuming you know what's best for the guy. You haven't even met him for god sake!
ReplyDeleteTherapy is not about you deciding what's best for the guy, and definitely not about you passing judgement. How do you know what would take courage for him and what would be stupid?
for OTD
"Am I advocating for a sort of closet atheism?"
I wouldn't advocate for closet anything. In my experience I have found the very act of closeting myself and my true beliefs to be more painful than abiding by a dress or dietary code.
If fact, the most hateful aspect of the dress code was mostly about how that was part and parcel of restricting my freedom of expression, and much less about practicalities.
To Avi:
I hope you can find some people you can talk to.
He should not have more children until after this crisis is over and he and his wife are living under an arrangement they are both happy with.
ReplyDeleteThat may be never.
I am sorry that I can not offer advice. I would say that the easiest thing to do is just escape, walk away, move on to "better things," but the problem is that most of his family, friends, and blood relatives (not to mention his own wife and kids) are part of the Hasidic world and to walk away from it all probably means disassociating with them as well. I wish I knew what to say, but unless he can handle the risk of leaving his loved ones behind, his best bet may be to remain Orthoprax.
ReplyDeleteMy question for you, OTD, out of sheer curiosity, what denomination did your parents belong to? I kind of figured they were "RWMO" or "LWUO." Chabad Lubavitch perhaps? I would not suspect Litvish or Satmar, but I have no idea. Just curious...
Mellock: LWUO or RWUO, Ohr Somayach BTs, sort of Litvish
ReplyDeleteI don't have the time to respond to this blogpost with the seriousness it deserves, but just wanted to say that I really admire you for putting your thoughts out into the blogosphere. From the (admittedly little)I've read, you and I seem to have much in common, and that's rare- the informed, cerebral, and *forthcoming* 'otd'-er is rarer than you would expect.
ReplyDelete...Which is a pain when, while attempting to engage in rational discourse with anybody from the frum world, you're instantly not taken seriously and a thousand and one rationalizations are employed so as not to allow your argument any credibility. [Especially because I'm younger and perhaps more precocious than many. Also, I'm a female. *Gasp*.]
The provinciality is ridiculous and offensive in a primative, sort of tragic way. I really appreciate you attempting (even microcosmically) to revamp that absurd image.
Hopefully I can leave more meaningful comments on this blog in the future =D Rock on, man!
Thank you Sarra for the appreciation. When I try having a conversation about religion with my family, it's usually a blank stare, followed by "who molested you?"
ReplyDeleteWhat I don’t understand is if you believe in G-D and in the torah then being religious is the way. If not your fooling urself. The issue in the "frum" world is most people are robots, they are frum because they were raised that way and don’t understand what it means. Most Baal teshuvas become orthodox because they witnessed some sort of miracle and truly believe in G-D.
ReplyDeleteI believe this man needs to do some soul searching and discover himself, G-D and life. If he decides to live in the torah way live it not because he has to but because he wants to. Being Chasidic litvish… is all customs the way one may go about approaching hashem. One is not better or worse because of the costumes he/she may follow. What makes a person orthodox is if they believe in G-D and do what he wants.
Just want to show some empathy for this guy. OTD, I really appreciate your response. Sometimes making believe is the best alternative. I live in a religious community, with my frum husband- who I davened for- think victim of "Shidduch Crisis". Now I have e/t I thought I wanted- even a double stroller!! and i just want out. The thought of sending my children to day school makes me cringe. But- I know I will. i always think that I will be thrilled for them if they can extricate themselves neatly, but for now- I keep the constitution, though I know it's not divine, because I prefer not to be in jail. Same for OJ, (dif kind of jail)
ReplyDelete