I mentioned a few months ago that I've been living with my parents for a little while. It's been mostly a positive experience, and I'm happy to be closer to my family. They haven't asked me (yet) to be observant, and I've been mostly able to live my life without too much interference from my family. I try to be a little outwardly observant (for example, wearing a kippa when in the neighbourhood and not breaking shabbos in their presence).
There have been a few arguments. My mother worries that I'm influencing my high school-aged younger brother to slack off in yeshiva. I don't think I'm responsible for this, but it is a concern of hers. At the same time, I wonder what my approach should be to him: do I promote Modern Orthodoxy? Ultra Orthodoxy? OTDness? My current approach is more or less Modern Orthodoxy, but I can understand if my mother worries I may influence him. From my perspective, of course, that would be a good thing! There's enough horrendous influences on people in UO (and probably MO) yeshivas to be crazy fanatical nutjobs, a light dose of sechel couldn't hurt, I would think.
I worry even more about my older brother, married with children, and doesn't even have an email address. He's currently going through some problems trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Stay in kollel forever? Get a job? Go to school? Study what? He's got a lot of big decisions to make, and by no means is he in a position of strength to make said decisions. I would have even less incentive to promote OTDness to him, considering he has a wife and kids and that's quite a lot to lose. Do I promote Modern Orthodoxy? Am I being dishonest promoting MO when I don't believe in it myself?
I also worry about my siblings' shidduchim. How much more difficult will it be for them to find a shidduch considering they have an OTD brother?
This takes me to my next point about MO vs. UO. Someone who has been raised MO has less incentive to go OTD than a UO has, I would think. The lifestyle is much more free, and is a lot closer to Conservative Judaism than UO is. UO has millions of rules and restrictions, enough to drive anyone batty, while MO is far more permissive. I'm OTD for emotional reasons the same way MO are MO for emotional reasons: we can't stand the craziness of the UO world! Yet I can't think of a single intellectual reason to be MO, but I can think of numerous emotional ones. Even as I toy with the thought of becoming more Orthodox (for emotional reasons), I wonder whether my family will be willing to be less Orthodox for emotional reasons. Aren't they so primed against any change they will never consider going MO? I found it easier going from UO to OTD, epecially considering the intellectual arguments against both UO and MO. Will they be able to find a nice balance without sacrificing too much intellectual or emotional satisfaction? It is ironic that the only reason typically attributed to going OTD (emotional reasons) are the only reasons I can see for not going OTD.
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Jewish guilt, here we come! You do have an impact on your environment but don't have to take on responsibility for 'tests from heaven' that they receive.
ReplyDeleteBTW: What kind of shidduch would it be if they would not accept one of your siblings as a shidduch because you are OTD? Besides, don't you outwardly show you are MO?
>Besides, don't you outwardly show you are MO?
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't daven or learn, for example. Although I would hope my parents know enough to lie about such things. I should find out.
I think it's really interesting that there's more incentive to leave UO than MO. I've often thought that if I'd been raised in a more feel-good and less restrictive--oppressive, frankly--faith, I probably wouldn't have had the emotional motivation to question much.
ReplyDeleteIt's way less oppressive in the MO world, where you can read secular books, not be racist or homophobic, and raise your kids to go to college. But MO tuition, even RWMO, is oppressive. Tuition alone is enough to make me want to leave and never look back.
ReplyDelete>> There have been a few arguments. My mother worries that I'm influencing my high school-aged younger brother to slack off in yeshiva.
ReplyDeleteIt would seem to me that if you were to help your little brother in his studies then your mother would have nothing to say. You're not a cause for your little brother's level of emuna as long as you don't promote disbelief to him. Don't let anyone try to suggest that.
>> He's got a lot of big decisions to make, and by no means is he in a position of strength to make said decisions.
It's his road. If I were in your place, I'd just watch and help if he asks but not try to force anything on him. It's normal for people to go through periods of confusion at least once in a lifetime.
>> Do I promote Modern Orthodoxy? Am I being dishonest promoting MO when I don't believe in it myself?
You can suggest it if you think it's best for him (it's not the same as saying it's true) but ultimately your big brother has to decide what's best for him.
>>I also worry about my siblings' shidduchim. How much more difficult will it be for them to find a shidduch considering they have an OTD brother?
This ain't right. In myyyyy humble opinion having trouble finding a shidduch because of someone else and no fault of their own is absolutely a just cause for rebelling against the religion. However your siblings gotta do what they gotta do if it's stay in the fold then so be it.
>> Will they be able to find a nice balance without sacrificing too much intellectual or emotional satisfaction?
This balance is veeeeeeeeeeery subjective, veeeeeeeeeeery individualistic.
"Someone who has been raised MO has less incentive to go OTD than a UO has, I would think. The lifestyle is much more free, and is a lot closer to Conservative Judaism than UO is."
ReplyDeleteSpeak for yourself. I'm tired of this incorrect belief (that MOs don't "go off" while UOs do) being trotted out time and again.
He didn't say, "MOs don't 'go off'". He said they have less incentive to do so. And to the degree that the burdensome lifestyle of orthodoxy makes people want to leave it behind, he is absolutely right, because UO is far more burdensome than MO.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in regards to those who leave for other reasons, for example, finding the intellectual underpinning of Orthodoxy lacking, there is very little difference between UO and MO.
I totally disagree that MO Jews have less incentive to rebel, Hedyot.
ReplyDeleteThink about it: MO is the meshing of two worlds. This makes rebellion more likely because those raised with MO understand that the outside world isn't a bad place.
Leah said - "I've often thought that if I'd been raised in a more feel-good and less restrictive--oppressive, frankly--faith, I probably wouldn't have had the emotional motivation to question much"
ReplyDeleteI am living proof to that very idea - I was brought up in a very open, loving and communicative MO family (albeit the MO Machmir style) and I never felt the need to ask the "big" difficult questions about why we believe... till now (I am 43 and am happily married living the Frum life... except I'm afraid it's all apparently a lie)
I think the main difference between MO and charedi rebellion is that the OTD MO almost always end up becoming respectable and successful members of society while many OTD UO do not have the skills necessary to do so.
ReplyDeleteAs for your situation, I don't feel qualified to really offer any advice. I would say that I don't think it's your responsibility to hide who you are and what you believe or don't believe, although I don't think there's anything wrong with selective discretion around the neighborhood either. I also don't think it's your job to steer your brothers to any specific denomination or OTD, although being honest and open about who you are and what you believe seems right. I'd probably go so far as to making it clear to them that they have options, but not necessarily pushing any of those options.
ReplyDeleteAs for MO vs UO, I was MO before I went OTD. I agree there is less incentive, although that is counterbalanced by the facts that (1) it's easier to go OTD (since we're "modern" we can assimilate somewhat more easily) and (2) we have more exposure to non-Orthodox sources which may make us question the dogma in the first place.
Easy as it was, relative to UO, it was still pretty hard emotionally and it took a few years socially as well.
"we have more exposure to non-Orthodox sources which may make us question the dogma in the first place."
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying what I was trying to convey more coherently.
I am very much with Tova and JA on this one. But I will tell this from my point of view- My family was becoming more fanatical, and I wanted no part of that. Perhaps if we stayed Mod Orthodox I would have stuck around? I don't know. But yes us mod folks do go OTD.
ReplyDelete